Cuando en España!

or as most would say, "When in Rome..."

i have a feeling of such urgency.

like deep in the pit of my stomach i feel an undescribeable stirring of emotions.

i want to do crazy things.

like just sprint out of my precious español flat apartment and run...run...run as far as i can and when i stop. just soak in wherever i am. i went to down to the river yesterday and i had to try so hard to not let myself just jump off the bridge and splash into the amazingly blue water. i walk every day underneath the prettiest blue sky and the greenest trees and it just makes me want to scream or laugh or cry all at the same time.

i can see how all of this sounds very crazy but unfortunately i am very serious. ha

i want to live life.
simple as that.

however for some reason it doesn´t seem simple at all.

i don´t want to be constrained by anything. i don´t want to feel boxed in because of stupid things. por ejemplo: thoughts like "this doesn´t make sense", "there is no way this would ever work out", "no one has ever done it this way", "seriously emily, that will never work out", "emily the world just doesn´t work that way"...and so on and so on

i feel so alive. so full of dreams and desires and hopes. and some people might say that this feeling is because i´m 20 and everyone feels this way when they are young, like they can conquer the world. and i refuse to believe that. because i want to always feel this way.
and i think i always will.

because its NOT because i´m 20 that i have this stirring of great and big *somethingnesss* in me (i can´t even grasp words for it)

its jesus.

its Him.

he loves me.

he loves me with such passion i don´t understand it.


i don´t comprehend how a God, how the God of the universe would love me. and every single part of me. he doesn´t keep a record of the wrongs i have done. he could care less. when the prostitute covered him with her tears and washed his feet with her hair, he loved her. with all her flaws...why? because she realized something the pharasees didn´t. she caught onto something that the religious leaders of the time were blinded to.

---interjection--last week as we were walking to the watch the bull fight my roommate and I had a discussion about grace. about how in heaven we will sit beside murderers, prostitutes, homeless people, and every other kind of person we characterize as "bad" or as distinct "sinners". and you see when you first think of this you think "oh wow God is so gracious to let thos type of people into heaven." but what you should be thinking is "oh wow, i might be sitting beside the people i could technically by the world´s standards call the worst people---but they are sitting by ME."
and until that realization hits me. until i realize how entirely dreadful i am. i won´t ever appreciate my salvation.
and we discussed how amazing it is that this God, MY God loves people. not based on anything we have ever done. i mean he created us out of dirt, not because we(who had not even been born) had done anything great. no. and not that we ever would do anything to deserve his love. but even so--he loves the whole world--end of interjection--

she(the prostitute) was FREE.

because of Jesus. he had given her grace.

Jesus came to give LIFE.

he came to show humanity a beautiful God who loves the unloveable. and He gives grace. grace. and more grace. in the times where i fail miserably, in the times where give up, in the times when i choose not to acknowledge him--grace, grace, and more grace. (Romans 5: 19-21) ahhh to live in this truth, you are free. you become free to live.

and thats what i want. i want to live. fully. not holding anything back.

story time: after having a conversation with a lady about my future and me rambling about what i wanted to do. I was speaking as if my "real life" hadn´t started yet, but that after some grand finish mark, then it would magically start. I would say things like, "When i graduate college...when i do this internship, when i get married, when i have kids...etc etc etc."

she looked at me and said with such certainty and clarity, " Real life started when you woke up this morning--you missed it Emily."
*end of story*

i will never forget that one sentence. it rings in my ears. everytime i choose not to seize the moment. every time i pass up an opportunity to do something i know for certain is in my heart to do. every time i act as if i am a character on some stage waiting for the show to be over and for me to begin "real life". this rings in my ear.

real life started when you woke up this morning. you breathed in. and breathed out. now what are you going to do about it?

this reminds me of the story of the talents in the bible. the three servants were asked to give their master an account of how they used their gifts that were given to them. two of them used their talents with boldness, not afraid of taking any risks--they were resourceful. however, the third one buried his gift. as i read this parable it makes me realize that God wants me to take risks. he has given me gifts and talents and wants me to use them.

i want to make decisions without knowing exactly what the outcome will be. i want to make mistakes. i want to learn. i want to trust God fully and have faith completely--even if that means i will probably look like an idiot and not make much sense to the people around me.

and so...umm yea...those are my ramblings...

this is a recap of this week:

school is going along great, i love my teacher...however i feel like i am not where i wanted to be with my knowledge of spanish..pray for discipline

Thurs i took a bus to Malaga to see the one and only Blaire---definitely the highlight of my week! I got to go to the beach with her..ahh it was so refreshing to be around my blaire...there are only two words to describe our time together "SIN DOLOR"

yesterday i went to the futbol (soccer) game. it was insane. crazy. the spainish culture does not joke about their futbol. no sir.

this week is going to be full of tests and studying.

much much love